Brilliant Courageous Conversations Tips

Difficult people and courageous conversations do exist at work and in everyday life.  Difficult people come in every variety and being able to have courageous conversations is critical.  How difficult you find that person to deal with depends on your self-esteem, your self-confidence and your professional courage.  Dealing with difficult people is easier when the person is just generally obnoxious or when the behaviour affects more than one person.  Dealing with difficult people is much tougher when they are attacking you personally or undermining your professional contribution. Here are some courageous conversation tips below!

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Brain-friendly:   We have a great capacity for complex and creative thinking. Unfortunately we have habitually developed ways of interacting that interfere with that capacity.  Brain-friendly conversations are structured to account for how our brain is principally organised and follow a process that creates the optimal environment for focus, insight, solution-focus and social connection – all the ingredients for employee innovation and collaboration.

Courageous Conversations are designed to reduce the myriad of potential threat responses in the brain that draw precious brain fuel away from the pre-frontal cortex, our thinking brain, to our primitive limbic system (our emotional and survival centre) – resulting in a literal ‘logic shutdown’.  Brain-friendly conversations also focus deliberately on questioning techniques designed to enable insight – the AHA moment – which is an underused, powerful motivator in terms of employee engagement and behaviour.

Emotionally balanced:  You would know from your own experience that you cannot be really upset and think logically at the same time. Perhaps you have experienced making some less than desirable decisions in a moment of excitement? Our brain cannot be limbic (emotional) and logic (PFC focused) at the same time.

Toward focused:  Neuroplasticity is the brain’s ability to rewire itself based on response to experience. It’s how we adapt to our environment, and it is one of the ‘big neuroscience discoveries’.

Hebb’s Law tells us that ‘neurons that fire together, wire together’. We create and strengthen neuronal connections and pathways through attention and focus. The more attention we give to a particular pathway the stronger it becomes and the more prevalent it will be in our thinking, particularly when under stress when we have less executive brain to control where our thinking goes.

Creating new thinking means creating new neural pathways, and that happens via attention. Conversations deliberately need to focus on the Toward State – where we need to go and how we need to get there. So many of our work conversations focus on where we have been, and the issues at hand…which is interesting, but not particularly useful

Check your ego, set your intention.  There’s nothing wrong with a healthy ego, but your ego can get in the way of expressing yourself in ways that serve a positive outcome – for you and for others. There’s a difference between speaking up and talking down to someone, making them feel smaller, stupid or small. Before you enter into a courageous conversation, be very clear about why you are having it.  What’s the highest purpose you are trying to serve? If you aren’t clear, discuss it with someone else or write it down, keeping in mind that if it’s about you ‘winning’ then that implies someone else must lose. 

Speaking your mind is not fruitful unless it’s done thoughtfully and with a clearly defined rationale for why this is ultimately of service to all parties.  It may sound corny, but the truth is that a message that comes from the heart, lands on the heart.

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Mean what you say.   Dr. William Schutz, behaviour specialist and founder of Human Element Solutions, once said “If people in business told the truth, 80 to 90% of their problems would disappear.” Be candid in your feedback and honest in your opinion. Say what you sincerely believe needs to be said, even if you know others may not enjoy hearing it. People can intuitively tell when you are being sincere. They can also tell when you aren’t. Don’t sugar coat the truth in fluffy compliments and disingenuous flattery.  Share what it is you want to say, and be sure to phrase it in a way that others know you respect their humanity, if not their opinion or actions.   In the aftermath of the Challenger disaster in 1986, NASA found that the engineers working on the spacecraft had concerns about the O rings when exposed to extreme heat but their fear of passing on information kept them from passing it up to their supervisors. While your silence may not put lives at risk, it does undermine your ability to succeed.

Set the emotional tone. The more sensitive an issue, the more rapidly emotions can escalate to fever pitch when put on the table. If the issue you are addressing is likely to push emotional buttons, be extra careful to ensure you step into it calmly, with a clear idea of what you want to say. It may be worth rehearsing the conversation ahead of time, writing down the key points you want to convey (in case emotions start to hijack your brain) and how you will respond constructively to whatever accusations, grievances or upsets may be bought up. Remember, you have to manage your own emotions first before you can respond well to another’s.   If you start getting upset, call time out.

Facts First.  There are always two sides to every story.  Before you launch into your opinion of a situation, be sure to clearly state the facts as you see them. It’s possible you may have incomplete information. When you present your opinion as though it was the truth, you are guaranteed to get people off-side. So use language that leaves open the possibility of another interpretation on the situation. “I realize I may be missing something, but from what I can see it appears that …”

Discuss the ‘Undiscussable’. Issues that aren’t talked out get acted out in snide remarks and innuendoes, higher absenteeism and turnover, and lower productivity and engagement. When you are discussing something sensitive, what is left unsaid is often what the conversation really needs to be about. Skirting around the real issue is fruitless. Likewise, burying your head in the sand in the vain hope that an issue will just ‘go away’ on its own is not only cowardly, it’s costly. Acknowledge the unspoken; discuss the “undiscussable.” The cost of engaging in difficult conversations far outweighs the discomfort you feel having it.

Don’t stoop.  People don’t always act as we’d like or how we’d expect them to. Such is life.  Don’t let the bad behaviour of others be an excuse for your own.  While it’s tempting to descend to the same level of pettiness or immaturity as others, it serves no positive purpose.  Be the change you want to see in others – when they act small, act big.

Counter defensiveness with humility. When we share something with someone that has an implied criticism, we shouldn’t be surprised when they get defensive. Counter their defensiveness by distinguishing the problem (behaviour or issue) from the person, and invite their input in how to address the issue. Often the solution to a problem is far from obvious. To you or anyone else. Be willing to ask for help in figuring out a better path moving forward, acknowledging that you don’t have the answer but would like to work together to find it.  Just as you appreciate when others share their struggles openly with you, so too will others appreciate your own candour and vulnerability.

Be clear in your requests and commitments.  When going in to a conversation, be clear about the actions or outcomes you’d like to see.  Don’t assume others know what you want them to do. Make clear requests with specific actions. E.g. “I would like your support on xyz.” Likewise, only agree to things you are clear you can do. If you can’t find common ground on a path forward, at least agree to stay in dialogue, and if appropriate, schedule another meeting to continue the discussion.

Stay future-focused.  There’s a reason so many people excel at laying blame, throwing stones, and criticising others’ mistakes. It’s easy. Staying focused on what needs to change to keep the same problem from arising again in the future takes more discipline. So regardless of how many stones you’d like to throw, let them go and focus instead on what you’d like to see more of – whether it’s collaboration, clear communication, better systems, or more accountability.

Contact us at LeadershipHQ for support or coaching in Courageous Conversations and Leadership at [email protected] or 1300 719 665