When being "Nice" can Backfire in Leadership
I love feedback. I see feedback as a gift even when it sucks. This week I received some uncomfortable feedback from my mentor – “Sonia, you are too nice.” He meant it as constructive feedback as he felt it could be impacting my leadership. Would you like to know what went through my head – “WTF!”. Then I counted to five which is a great technique when you receive challenging feedback. Then I thought to myself, maybe I need to explore what this means and is my style backfiring on me. Now being nice is different to being kind which is core of mine and my company’s value sets.
I started thinking about times where I have been too “nice” and the impact of this on myself and what is important to me. Maybe he was right on a number of occasions and maybe more than I would like to admit. The times I have been taken advantage of for being nice.
In turn, this “Nice” quality is also a superpower.
I want to explore why being nice and being strong is absolutely the way to go and something I will start to build more today. No more Miss Nice Girl here…well maybe on some occasions.
We’re taught from a young age to “play nice” if we don’t want to find ourselves in trouble. Being “nice” is a huge part of our upbringing. Believe me, as we grow older, these early messages can turn into unconscious scripts that impact our personal and professional lives.
The early childhood message to “play nice” is especially apparent in our relationships with others. It is often louder than the call for us to be strong, set clear boundaries, or even prioritise our own needs over the needs of others.
So how nice should a leader be? If you’re too nice you risk being a complete pushover; you might keep an employee which you take off the bus; you might see deadlines come and go; you might become friends with your employees at the expense of being able to give them tough feedback.
Being an empathetic, kind person who cares about their employees is one thing; being afraid of letting someone go who is underperforming or not suited for a position is where “nice” and “leadership” should truly part ways.
You can impact the health of your company or team or even own career simply because being nice is easier, more comfortable.
In turn, what if your value system says as a leader, “I should always be nice”?
It’s important to redefine what “nice” means when it relates to leadership. “Nice” shouldn’t mean being a pushover, always saying yes, being incapable of having courageous conversations, and letting go of people on the bus.
Nice needs to be redefined i.e. positive and kind leadership. What then are the qualities that contribute to having a positive leadership and impact?
Research performed by Kim Cameron and colleagues at the University of Michigan points to six essential qualities for cultivating positive leadership and having a positive impact on your organisation:
- Caring for, being interested in, and maintaining responsibility for colleagues as friends.
- Providing support for one another, including offering kindness and compassion when others are struggling.
- Avoiding blame and forgive mistakes.
- Inspiring and motivating one another at work.
- Emphasising the meaningfulness of the work.
- Treating one another with respect, gratitude, trust, kindness and integrity.
These qualities are about cultivating warmth, accountability, approachability, and compassion, which go beyond the singular quality of being nice.
Researchers Amy Cuddy, Peter Glick, and Anna Beningera determined that warmth breeds trust, and “trust increases information sharing, openness, fluidity, and cooperation.” (Cuddy, Fiske, and Glick, 2011)
It might seem that the evidence underscores being “nice,” but there’s a difference between simply being nice and being empathetic, warm, approachable and so forth. Being “nice” doesn’t necessarily mean you care about others, it might just mean you care what others think about you, and about how you look to others.
Nor does empathy and these other qualities mean you will do whatever people want and or feel entitled to.
I would recommend listening to your people, showing them you care about their lives, maintaining an open door policy – these are all traits of positive and kind leadership that blend the needs of the organisation with the needs of the employee. Whereas being nice has the potential to place the needs of one above the needs of all.
Here are some tips to help you in being a strong (and courageous) and “nice” leader:
1. Look your relationship with nice: Some reflection is needed to discover why this is a priority. Examine what has adversely impacted you about this relationship with being nice and what has helped. Keep what has helped, discard/change what has not served you .
2. Look at your values as a leader: Determine the most important leadership traits that you want to emulate. It may help to ask yourself, “How do I want to be remembered? What do I want my legacy to be?” Is it important to you to be remembered as a “really nice” leader or one who “positively impacted” those with whom she came in contact? Remember, there’s a difference.
3. Avoid the big behavioural shift: A sudden change to your overall character will be jarring to your employees. Gradually shift to incorporate compassion, kindness and empathy over niceness and see what happens.
4. Get a coach: It’s one thing to want to stop being too nice, it’s another thing to actually make the adjustment. This is where a coach comes in to help guide, mentor, help break those unhealthy patterns, and offer suggestions.
When you know a leader is committed to operating from a set of values based on interpersonal kindness, he or she sets the tone for the entire organisation.
In turn, in one of my favourite books Give and Take, Wharton professor Adam Grant demonstrates that leader kindness and generosity are strong predictors of team and organisational effectiveness.
Kind, and positive leadership involves taking the time to get to know your people, being empathetic, approachable and compassionate, but also being mindful of the goals and outcomes you need to achieve.
In turn, don’t worry about being liked! Your likability will come naturally if you prove you are someone who cares about the wellbeing of her people through positive, kind and impactful leadership.
I am staying “nice” whilst watching my boundaries however I am going to be more focused on being strong, courageous and kind as a leader. One reason why we are delivering online programs and resources on Courageous Leadership (we had to do a plug somewhere!)
About the Author Sonia McDonald
Sonia McDonald is the CEO and founder of LeadershipHQ and McDonald Inc. Sonia is a in demand keynote speaker, leadership coach and advisor, author and facilitator.
She believes we should lead with kindness and courage, from the heart, doing rather than telling and is known for her mantra ‘just lead’. She leads by example in all these areas and through her one on one practical coaching, leadership training for teams and organisations encourages others to do the same. Sonia has helped hundreds of people on their leadership journey to become the best version of themselves and in turn, inspire and bring out the best in others. Also she and her team have worked and partnered with a number of businesses and companies for over a decade build great leadership teams and cultures.
For more than 25 years, Sonia has been on the front lines of Human Resources, Leadership and People and Culture. She has held leadership positions worldwide and through experience, research and study come to realise what it takes to be a truly great leader.
Sonia has an ability to speak bravely and authentically about her own development as a leader, personal and career challenges in a way which resonates with her audience. She is recognised as a LinkedIn influencer and has become an in-demand keynote speaker, starts important conversations.
She is an award-winning published author of Leadership Attitude and Just Rock It! and writes regularly for publications such as The Australian, HRD Magazine, Smart Healthy Women and Women’s Business Media. Sonia has become recognised for her commentary around the topic of leadership, championing the up and coming leaders of tomorrow, advocating for women in business as well as building leaders in small business.
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Sonia McDonald
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Sonia McDonald believes we should lead with kindness, from the heart, doing rather than telling and is known for her mantra ‘Just lead’. She leads by example in all these areas and through her one on one practical coaching, leadership training for teams and organisations encourages others to do the same. Sonia has helped hundreds of people on their leadership journey to become the best version of themselves and in turn inspire and bring out the best in others.
